Many of you ask, "Mommy, what exactly do you do all day?" Let me explain my routine to my dear gentle readers. I usually wake-up around 8:30a, it is summer after all, to my 5 year-old trying to serve me breakfast in bed. I know what you are thinking, "Awwwww! How cute is that?!". On the breakfast tray is a gorgeous can of cold, frosty, Diet Coke, that has been dropped twice. Having neglected to let me know this information, I look lovingly at my darling child, issue words of praise and love and proceed to open the can and drench myself and the bed in brown liquid. Now that I am awake, I jump out of bed to scramble for a towel. "Where's the towel darling?", "What towel Mommy?". I find the towel, dry the mess and proceed to strip the sheets off of the bed while remarkably not once breaking my loving smile and words of encouragement. I am trying to raise a daughter with an ounce of self-esteem, unlike how my mother in all her wisdom felt I should be raised.
Crisis contained and now we are one hour into the day.
I head to the bathroom for my morning ablution. No sooner do I pick up my toothbrush when I am assaulted by a little voice letting me know I need to floss as well. I am then commanded to scoot over as my child drags her stool into the bathroom and firmly plants it on my foot. After letting out a slight whimper I smile at her and tell her to try and be careful and praise her for taking the initiative in brushing her teeth.
No sooner are the teeth cleaned, then the "I'm hungries" start.
"What do you want for breakfast"?
"I don't know".
"How about cereal?"
No chance of that, couldn't get off easy with toast either. She wants an egg and since I haven't made her an egg in a while, I am obliged to whip one up. She wants to help. "Of course honey, can you get me the pan?", "No, I want to crack the eggs". I hold my breath and hand her the egg. After cleaning the egg and its shell off the floor, the counter and the refrigerator, I tell her mommy will help with this egg. She agrees and relents all duties from there on out to me. I take the butter out of the refrigerator and as soon as she hears that door open she asks, "can you turn the television on for me?". Of course I can, this giving me the 15 minutes I need to prepare her meal. I turn on said T.V., get back to the kitchen and pull a pan out when I hear, "Mommy? Can I have a drink? Bubble water please". I grab a glass but since I failed to respond to the question I am now having it repeated. "Yes, I am getting you bubble water". I get the bottle, poor it in the glass and hear; "May I please have some bubble water?' "Darling, didn't you hear me when I said I was getting you a glass? Please don't repeat it again". I bring the drink to my daughter, head back into the kitchen and quickly finish her "birds nest" breakfast. I present the breakfast along with accompanying utensils and napkins and with a final cutting of her meal, by me, I am now free to go into the kitchen and clean the dishes. My daughter finishes her meal, brings her plate to the kitchen, more praises and smiles, and I love yous for her help and clearing her plate, and on to drying the dishes. I ask if she wants to help, no such chance, Dora is on and that show is too important to miss. I secretly wish Dora and her compadres would get lost in the forest forever so I never have to hear that theme song again.
Needing just 5 minutes of peace and quiet, I grab my new issue of Vanity Fair and head to the toilet. I sit down, open the magazine to a random page and settle in for a quick read when there is knocking coming from the other side of the door.
"I am in the restroom, honey"
"That's okay, I found the scissors, I was looking for the dog"
Coming to realization that I will not have that 5 minutes of peace and quiet, I stand up, deposit my Vanity Fair in its rightful place of honor next to the toilet and find out what my child meant by "giving the dog a haircut".
After explaining why cutting the dog's hair is wrong then finding the dog to calm him down with love and a dose of doggie Valium, while wondering if it is safe for humans. I check the wash from the morning and come to the realization that I forgot to turn on the machine. I am now 3 hours into my day and I can honestly say, I haven't done a thing.
Oh this charmed life I lead. How did I get here?
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